looking back.

3 years from now, i don't want to look back at today, and think i was a fool for loving you.

your birthday is in a week. jonmodin tomar, matha betha ta keno jani amar. nevertheless, im still hella excited. excited to see your face when you see the stuff i got for you. i really hope your face lights up when you see it. kalke tanzila apur shathe jokhon arabica teh boshchilam, i kinda told her my plans for your birthday. how i planned to have you on call, pretending to be home, except I'd be downstairs with your birthday gift. idk how you'd react to it, because the truth of the matter is, it does make me a little nervous, specially considering how there's someone else in your life as we speak. i try not to think about it a whole lot, but you see, thoughts are like diarrhoea. once it's there, it's there. try stopping them.

tanzila apu boltesilo je how it'd be very difficult to get out of the house because apparently tomader naki lift noshto. jetai hok, this has to happen. you need to get downstairs. ar nahole amar plan shob mati. she also mentioned how your chatroleague cousin might be there at 12am to surprise you. etao iktu badbuzz lagse amar kache, because i wanted you all to myself (for tonight, and well, the rest of my life), but hey, family is family, right? so ki ar korar, low key made my peace with it, but high key hoping chatroleague bhaiyya has some hortal to attend.

wallahi amira, shopping for you is a trip. majhe majhe jetai dekhi, shetai pochondo hoy, abar majhe majhe kichui pochondo hoy nah. oidin chaame diye ask korsilam what flowers you liked, because guess what, this dumbass is about to get you some flowers. you mentioned beli ful, and some weird purple flowers you can only find in TSC. problem is, i don't even know what they're called. beli ful ageo disi, so i was hoping to get you something different. but if push comes to shove, i think we gotta settle for beli ful. i mean, if it makes you happy, then fuck it, beli ful it is. 

anyhoo, kalke rifles and unimart e gesilam to shop for you. unimart theke motamoti chocolates and all select kore rakhsi ki nibo na nibo. this is the last item I'll buy because apparently the last time i got you something, which included chocolates, oigula naki melt hoye gesilo. only because my dumbass got them agey agey and hid them in my room. fault kintu amar nah, amar family teh shobai chocolate khor, so tumi e ba bolo, ki kortam ami? a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. chocolate mocklet baad diye dekhlam ar ki ki pawa jae, i wanted to get you the tiniest bottle of ketchup as a joke, but i swear amira, pailam nah je pailam e nah. i asked one of the attendants to show me miniature ketchup bottles, to which this dude replies, bhai apni ato choto ketchup er bottle diye korben ta ki? dude probably thought ami mini bottle kintesi cause it's a money thing, kintu sorry bro, ato backstory ar inside joke tomake bujhanor moto amar time nai.

ar rifles er kotha toh bollam e nah. rifles er prottek ta bag ar makeup er dokan amar chehara chine gese. sometimes i wonder what they think about me. it doesn't matter to me, but i still wonder, y'know. i mean, here's this guy, who shows up, walks around the aisle cluelessly looking at women stuff, because he has no idea what to buy. sometimes there's a girl with him, sometimes he's alone. and he doesn't know how to bargain. they ask me what im looking for, to which i reply that i don't really know what exactly it is I'm looking for, but I'll know once i see it. they probably think im the biggest playboy in the world, but the worst shopper. jokes on you bro, because i, am in love.

but one thing is for sure, never will i ever take any girl with me to shop for you. ami meyeder makeup jinish janina bujhina toh ki hoise - ami eklai eksho. last time i brought tasnia with me, and amar 600 khoroch hoise or upore. aro beshi khoroch hoito, but amio shamelessly komaite komaite ei porjonto ansi. im not complaining, i mean I AM, because even tho tasnia is a friend of mine, the love i have for her as a friend is not worth 600 bucks. she already thinks im mad rich, Allah e jane keno, but who's gonna tell her je amar kache cigarettes kinar taka o thakena majhe majhe.

jano amira, i was gonna make the same mistake AJKEO? this past week my mood has been off, and my closest friend in this whole world wanted to come to dhanmondi to cheer me up. it made me happy that I'll get to see her, because she lives all the way in rampura, and i don't get to see her often. she's the only person I've told everything about you, and how i plan to marry you one day. she knows about all my duas, and even gives me islamic pointers about how to ask Allah for the things we yearn for. i even wanted to introduce her to you, but she said that, even tho she really wanted to see the person that has changed the marzouk from 2 years ago to this extent, i shouldn't introduce the two of you, unless you and i are married. not even together - but married. and believe it or not, her reasoning was rock solid. i never saw it that way, but the reasoning she gave me was really an eye opener for me. and Insha Allah Insha Allah Insha Allah, if the day ever comes that I get to call you "mine", i will tell you all about samia - and why she chose not to meet you, at least, not yet.

so, like i was saying, samia was supposed to come here so that we could go eat somewhere, and then shop for your birthday. she even texted me this morning to ask if i was still down, but i made my generic family dawat excuse that i have been using since eighth grade. never fails. its not that I didn't wanna meet her, she's the one person i can talk my heart out to, regarding you. but the thing is, she notices things about me. she once told me that my eyes light up when i see something i really wanna get for you, something that you'd love. and it scares me that she notices these details. because you see, she went through a really bad breakup last year, and even tho im not really happy with my life either, i just didn't want her to see some guy shopping with excitement in his eyes, for the girl he is in love with - something she wishes the guy she was in love with would do for her. and even though i know she wants the best for me, i just didn't wanna put her through all that.

anyways, samia ke kono rokom ditch kore bashundhara city te ashlam. here i am yet again, with a dollar and a dream. b city teh dhukar agey mall er opposite e asr er namaj poreh dua o korsi je Allah jano mon moto bhalo kichu jinish milay dey. add this mosque to the list of mosques where I've cried to Allah for you. I pray that none of this is in vain. anyways, onek ghura ghuri kore ekta clutch and duita scrunchies kinlam. wallahi, meyeder jinish ato expensive keno? can't a college student shop in peace for the girl he loves without breaking the bank. bank account toh amar nai e, wallet jetao aseh, eta keo khali kore charbe. abar er upore bargaining o korte partesinah. jai hok, kichu din agey beton paisi, so khushi khushi tomar jonno shopping kortesi. abar mon er bhitore bhoy and dukkho o kaaj kortese. bhoy je, jodi mon moto jinish na pai? and dukkho, well, you talking to some other dude while i shop for you, is dukkho enough for me. dui ekbar chokhe pani o chole ashche eta chinta kore, but masks and sunglasses to the rescue, you know. when that wasn't enough, i got myself a phone case and some shoelaces to cheer me up. good thing is, even though i was shopping, i still prayed the remaining prayers on time at the mall. and i know je ja ja kinsi ajke, etai rizq e chilo. shopping kore khidao lagse onek, uporer food court e gelam to see if they had something small so I could shop and eat. because I'm not gonna sit alone at a table and eat. you know i can't eat alone, it's just very sad to me keno jani. so i resorted to going outside the mall and eating chaa shingara, because at least oibhabe, it's less lonely. i grab one last smoke and then head back, akhon kichu jinish kina baki. i saw these really nice heels that would look amazing on you, but idk what size you wear. also, i already have a list planned out, so let's just tick some of those items first. the body shop theke ekta body mist kinlam, and i wanted to get it gift wrapped, but amira let me tell you, the body shop has THE worst gift boxes. ekta face wash o nite chaisilam, but i remembered that you use organic ones, so I'll have to get you that instead. we'll probably save that for tomorrow. aunty already bolse je amar naki choice bhalo, so guess what, i now have a reputation to defend.

i just really hope you love what i got for you. i hope you get to see the effort i put in for you. i hope your eyes light up when you see me at your doorstep at 12am one week from now. i hope that you don't think that this is payback for what you did on my birthday. i hope my actions tell you what my words can't. i hope you understand how much im in love with you. 

because like i said in the very beginning -

3 years from now, i don't want to look back at today, and think i was a fool for loving you.