endgame.

trigger warning: suicide

june 23rd - i planned to end my life by jumping off of my roof. i don't know what saved me, but that fact that i did, tells me that Allah has something in store for me. i had written two separate letters, one to you, and one to my family. this is the letter i planned to leave you with.

dear a,

where do i start? where do u end?

ei naam'er ekta playlist o banaisilam ami spotify teh. raate baranday boshe akash er dike takay tomar kotha bhabtam, ei playlist iktu shuntam, ar kadtam.

all my life, my parents have pushed me towards religion, and i think this is one of the fundamental reasons that I've strayed so far from it. ami tomake eta phone eo bolsi monehoy. but on that one night in october, i remember tumi amake namaz roja niye boltesila, and something in me changed oidin. oidin theke je namaz dhorlam, ajke porjonto chari nai. er majhkhane tomar jonno je koto dua korsi, koi fota chokher pani porse, hishab nai. emnitei maths e ato bhalo nah ami, cross multiplication parinah, so chances are je hishab chaileo rakhte partam nah. kintu it's funny how the world works, taina? Allah'r kache koto maaf chaisi, dua korsi jibon er shesh ta jano shundor kore, duniya teh tomar haat dhore cholar shoubhaggo dey, but now look at me - im mentally ready to do something jetar naki kono maaf nai. 

janina tumi jiboneo amake apon kore mene nite parta ki nah. kintu tarporeo Allah'r kache onek chaisi tomake. kintu Allah den nai, maybe ekdin dito, kintu amar dhorjo chilona when it comes to you. 

tumi na amake bar bar bolta je tomar rokto kom holeo, amake tumi rokto dite raji? rokto chainai kokhono, shudhu mon ta chaisilam. but sheta hoito diso tumi arekjon ke. ore boilo o jaane nah o je koto ta lucky, and how i wished and prayed it would've been me. but main kotha hocche, tumi khushi thaklei ami khushi.

jiboneo bujhtam nah manush suicide keno kore. bepar ta onek funny lagto amar kache. bhabtam duniya teh ato shundor shundor jinish aseh, manush keno nijer jaan nibe? amakei dekho, Allah ki bhalo rakhsilen amake. desh bidesh dekhaise, nijeder bari dise, gari dise, taka poisha dise, shikkhito banaise, plate e gorom khabar, gaaye bhalo jama, ar paa e bhalo juta. jibone e ar ki ba lage, taina? kintu nai amar mon e shanti. amar kache nai tumi. hoite pareh ami onekta ungrateful, but its 3am and im looking at the sky, crying. Allah'r kase tomake chacchi. Allah diben ki na janinah. 

ami parte konodin karo mon e koshto deynai. karor jene shune khoti korinai. khoti shudhu korsi nijer e. amar ki e ba kharap kaaj chilo? nesha korsi, baap maa er taka pani teh falaisi, eito? eta ekta boyosh e kon chele e ba na kore. kintu jano, kokhono karo mon bhangi nai. tai ami shobshomoy bhabtam, maybe amaro konodin keo mon ebhabe bhangbe nah. ki boka ami, dekhso? ki ekta bhul dharona chilo amar. shesh mesh shobche priyo manush e mon bhenge dilo. c'est la vie.

onek kom shomoy e onek boro shopno dekhe felsilam tomake niye, a. bhabsilam amader naam gula jerokom pasha pashi thakto on the first page of our projects/presentations, ekdin hoyto biyer card eo amader naam ta pasha pashi thakbe. dua kortam Allahr kache shei din jano dekhte pari. shopno chilo tomake niye bikal bela rickshay dhanmondi ghurbo. tomar dhanmondi bhallage nah? jao uttara tei ghurtam. tomar haate beli ful er mala poray dibo. oije shada flower crowns gula aseh nah, oigula o kine dewar shopno chilo. tomake niye bidesh e shongshar korar o shopno dekhsilam. tumi shob shomoy bolta je ammu chay je amra shobai edike thaki. aunty ke ki bole potabo, eitao ready kore felsilam amar choto bon er shathe kotha bole. aunty obboshoi manto, bujhto ami bhalo kichu dekhei boltesi. tumi na nijei bolso amake je tomar ammu bolse amar ruchi bhalo? im hoping she still remembers that. etao bhabsilam je tomake niye ekdin Allah'r ghore jabo. Allah'r kache onek shukriya aday korbo, tomake amar haate tule dewar jonno. kintu, oije - shopno tuku bas shopno e theke gelo, shotti ar holo nah.

ato kichu bolar poreo, onek kichu bola hoynai tomake. na chawa shotteo, kototuku bhalobeshe felsilam tomake, hoito etao bujhate parinai. maybe tomar o kichu bolar chilo amake, amar ar shuna hoilona. because chances are - if you're reading this, maybe it's too late. tomake bolte partam nah bole tomake niye onek lekha lekhi o kortam. you were and will always be the only musing my heart yearns for. mone aseh amar jonno ekta choto diary ansila tumi coxs theke? ami oikhane amar mon er kotha likhsi onekgula. amar room e porar table e, first drawer ei aseh akhono, along with the the bracelet that you got me. bracelet tao koyekbar porsi onek shabdhaane, jodi chire jae?

tomake boltam nah je ekdin na bole onek dure chole jabo, ter o paba nah. ajke chole jacchi. koi? paiso ter?

epaare bhalo thako, shukhi thako, eitai amar shesh asha. ami kintu opaare jeyeo tomar kotha bhabbo. because jibito hoi ba mrito, kichu jinish theke kokhonoi rehai mile nah, jemon amar jonno tumi.

with all the love in my troubled heart,

m.